“I love that you drive several miles out of town just to get a good coffee. I love that you think you can get a better gauge of someone from looking at a photo of them in black and white rather than colour. I love that you make everyone feel like it’s ok just to be themselves. I love that you have a million computers that don’t work. I love that you buy digital copies of books to read and then end up buying hard copies just because you feel like they’re more authentic. I love that you still put your index finger and thumb in the shape of an L to work out which is left and right. I love that I don’t know how the hell you manage in day to day life with the worst luck I’ve ever seen a person have. I love that you have a dog called Phil, but that most of the time you call him by any other word you can think of. And they’re stupid ones, like Muffin and Babushka! He probably doesn’t even know his actual name is Phillip! You drive me crazy and yet I can think of no better days than the ones I spend with you.”
I struggle to process what’s happening, but I manage to gather that Zac is standing in front of me, uncomfortably yet emphatically listing off things he’s noticed about me, things he loves about me. It is uplifting and earth shattering in exactly the same moment, in exactly the same amount.
“This is… A lot… To think about.” I am suddenly acutely aware of myself, sliding a hand through my hair I avoid looking at him.
I’d never had someone tell me things they love about me before, let alone list them out and expect me to respond afterwards with understanding. Who ever in the world really thought the weird things about them were going to be not just accepted, but honestly loved?
“Why would you tell me all this?” My voice is small or maybe the room is too big.
“Because I couldn’t not tell you any more.” I let my eyes graze his lips, and in doing so realise his shoulders seem lighter. The worst part is that now mine are aching.
"You shouldn’t be here. We shouldn’t be here, alone, together. It’s not right.” I try to push him towards the door but he is a thousand pounds of muscle resisting my weak advances.
“Why? We do this all the time! We’re friends!”
“Friends? After what you just told me?” I slam a flat palm in to his shoulder.
“It doesn’t change how we are, you just know how I feel now.”
“Exactly! It’s out there, in the world, it’s every where. Just go!” I give him one final shove out the door and close it quickly behind him. For a second I imagine the whole thing never happened.
I realise I hadn’t lied – for days after, it was every where; every thing I did I caught myself wondering if he loved this about me too, every time I closed my eyes I saw him filling up the hall way, waiting expectantly for an answer, his eyes wide with something I hadn’t ever seen in them before – he had set his gaze on me, with what only looked like hope.
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